I go up the stairs to my room. As I go up, I suddenly get very dizzy. My head spins and feel like I’m about to faint. I blink a few times as my sight starts to get dark.
Suddenly I feel arms catch me and help me up. His embrace is warm and soft. It feels very calming, reassuring. He’s wearing a sweater.
“Thank you Chan,” I smile. Wait…
“No problem sweetie.”
“Who are you?” I pull myself out of his grip.
“What do you mean ‘who are you’? You just said my name.”
“Yes, but…” I look down, my head hurts. “Kang… Yuchan…”
“Are you okay? Maybe you should get some sleep.” I know him? I know him.. but how? I feel like I know him, like we’ve been friends for a long time. Even though this is the first time I’ve met him. I feel comfortable around him, he doesn’t feel like a stranger. And yet he is?
He softly grabs my arm and leads me up the stairs and into my room. I just look down trying to figure out what’s going on. I sit down on my bed. The double bed my friend got me in case I’d get a boyfriend.. This is kind of ironic, I think to myself. He tucks me in. It feels weird that I feel so comfortable around him, a stranger.
He suddenly pulls the blanket up to get into bed.
“Wh- what are you doing?”
“What has gotten into you tonight? Do you not want me to sleep with you?”
“N-no, it’s okay.” He looks at me queerly and gets into the bed. I turn to my side, my back turned to him. There’s so many thoughts going through my head, so many things I’m feeling. Feelings that are new but seem familiar.
He turns off the light on the nightstand. I hear him shuffle for a minute, when suddenly a pair of arms surround me again. His chest against my back. It’s so warm. It’s like he’s used to doing this… his movements are so swift.
When I wake up the sun is softly shining and I see Chan staring at me with such a sweet smile. I melt. How could you not love him?
Maybe this is all just a dream. It’s too beautiful to be true. I’m sure I’ll wake up sooner or later. But for now I could perhaps just enjoy this dream.
I smile back. A kiss on the forehead, so precious. Wait… does he like me? Does he.. adore me?
“Chan,, do you… love me?”
“What? Why would you ask that? Of course I do!”
It’s an interesting feeling. I’m liking this too much. Someone who.. loves me. I’m special to someone. Even though I feel like my love for him is already big, it grows more.
We watch a movie together in the evening, rolled up in a blanket. It still feels awkward to be close to him. I still don’t know what’s going on, but I think I’m slowly starting to get used to this situation.
He puts an arm around my shoulders and I sink deeper into his chest. This is nice. It’s nice having a boyfriend. Even though I didn’t know it, I really was missing out. I’m suddenly in a really good mood. I’m enjoying this so much, I put my arms around his torso and slightly squeeze him. Enjoying how close we are, how warm he is, just clinging onto him.
He smiles down at me, like I’m the most precious thing on earth.
I love this. I love Chan. I’m afraid of getting too attached. I let go of him and put my head on his chest, his arm still around me.
After a while, he looks down at me again.
A kiss. So casually. Like it’s the most normal thing to do, like we’ve been together for a long time. So many emotions come at me at the same time, it feels like I’m overheating. He does it so smoothly. And it’s not like it’s a sweet kiss, no. It’s a rather deep one.
He pulls back.
“I thought you were back to normal, hugging me like that. But now you don’t kiss me back. Is something wrong? Did something happen?”
“No! No.. that’s not it.. I-“
“Do you not love me anymore?”
“N-no! I just… I do love you.” I love him too much… I’m getting too attached. What if he disappears again? What if this dream suddenly ends? Maybe I was perfectly able to live without a boyfriend before this, but now… my life would feel incomplete without him.
“Promise you’ll never leave me.” I look at him with pleading eyes.
“Aww, baby bear,” he cups my face, “I promise.”
After looking me in the eyes for a whole minute, he kisses me again. This time lighter, softer… sweeter. Do his lips fit mine so well or is he just a really good kisser?
I try to kiss back and to my surprise it goes very easily. Like I’ve done this before… many times before. It’s as if our lips respond to each other automatically. Our lips move in sync, making this whole situation only hotter. It burns me up inside.
I cook diner the next day. When he tries to help, he almost burns down the kitchen. It was scary for a moment, but we had a good laugh afterwards.
In the evening, we don’t even do our best to watch the movie. Laying on top of each other in the sofa, sloppy kisses. A lazy night. He softly cups my face, his thumb brushing over my cheek. Tucking some hair behind my ear. You’d think that one of us would eventually stop, but we both just keep going. Not rushing anything, not doing our best to do it properly. But still enjoying each other.
I can’t get enough.
* * *
Next day: coffee shop. Apparently one we’ve been going to quite often. It’s starting to get chilly so we put on autumn coats. Both light brown, matching with the trees that are starting to colour brown and yellow. Chan orders our favourite coffees. At first I wanted to tell him that what he ordered actually wasn’t my favourite. But after I tasted it.. the best coffee I have had yet. My eyes completely light up after taking a sip, making Chan giggle. Cute. We leave the shop with the coffees in our hands.
“It’s getting quite cold, maybe we should go shopping for warmer clothes together.” He looks at me with something between a slightly excited smile and a smirk.
“I actually really like that idea.” I think for a small moment. “Maybe while we’re at it, we can buy presents for Chuseok.”
“Yes! We should do that! Shopping date,” he almost shines of excitement.
We start to walk back home.
“Wait, actually I’d like to see your apartment.”
“Oh… well why not! Let’s go then, follow me.” We change directions and continue walking. “It will be a bit messy though, so don’t be too surprised.” I nod with a smile. I’m excited to see his place.
We take two busses and have to walk a little to his apartment. It’s a little further than I expected, my hands start to get cold since I didn’t think of taking gloves with me. As I put my hands together and softly blow warm air on them, Chan looks at me. He suddenly stops in his tracks and puts his hands over mine. They’re so warm. Our eyes lock and he doesn’t let go of the eye contact. I get lost in his dark brown eyes. He smiles.
“A little better now?”
“What?” I snap out of it.
“You should’ve told me you were cold.” He takes his gloves out of his pocket and puts them on for me. A sudden kiss on the forehead. We continue walking as he takes my hand.
We arrive at the building of his apartment and go up a few stairs as he takes out his keys. Chan gives me a tour around his apartment.
The kitchen.
“Here, I made these for you.” He puts his arms around my waist, pulling me close as he puts a chocolate cookie in my mouth.
“What do you mean, you made these? You literally just opened a box of cookies.” He doesn’t say anything and just smiles at me while I eat it. Until he leans in and gives me a peck.
“You taste nice,” his voice sounds low. “Like chocolate.” Did his mood change so quickly or is it just me?
A soft but deep kiss. Passionate. He’s in a sly mood. Pulls me even closer, his arms tightening around me.
Eventually he picks me up and places me on the counter. His hips between my legs. I go through his hair, it’s so soft.
* * *
Eventually we go to his apartment a few more times.
“There’s a spare key in the flower pot if you would ever need it.” We’re standing on the stairs of the building to his apartment. Next to Chan on the stairs is a small yellow flower. I nod.
The fear of him suddenly disappearing is still there. By now I have realised that a life without him would feel empty,, lonely,, incomplete. I’ve grown so attached to him, just the thought of Chan disappearing…
I start to know his place better and better. Where his clothes are, which shirts he prefers to wear. In what cupboard I can find the cutlery. Just like he knows my place by heart.
* * *
Hand-in-hand we walk onto the escalator. Both bundled up in a scarf, warm clothes and a hat. Chan drags me to a shop and buys couple gloves. One glove on one hand and the couple glove on the other.
“Now we can hold hands the whole time without our hands getting cold!” He smiles brightly. He’s so cute. We go through a few stores but don’t really find what we’re looking for. So we leave the mall and go to the shopping street. The cold weather and colourful decoration. The soft snow falling down and the smell of hot chocolate. Hand in hand we buy everything we need. Not a second would he let go of my hand, only when he had to pay at the cash deck. Now we just walk in the street. Rosy cheeks and noses. Chan stops for a short moment and gives me a kiss on the nose, smiles at me and continues walking again. His lips… I try to find something in my pocket with my free hand.
“Found it! Chan, here!” I give him my lip balm. His lips are so dry.
“Thanks! I was so excited to shop with you that I forgot.”
“Chuseok is in a week right?” Chan asks as we unpack all the stuff we bought at my place.
“Yes!”
“Promise me you’ll call me every day.”
“I will,” I chuckle. He stops unpacking and takes me by the waist. His arms around me and his hands together.
“I’ll miss you so much,” he pouts.
“I’ll miss you too,” I put my arms around his neck. His eyes filled with love suddenly turn a little mischievous. He grabs me tightly and pulls me up.
“I wish I could just take you with me like this.” He places me on the bed, me head above his. He looks up at me as I look down at him. I go through his hair.
“Promise me, you’ll never leave me.”
“I don’t know how many times you’ve already asked this and how many times I’ve already promised this to you but, I promise.”
* * *
“Chan! Chuseok is in two days and your presents are still here!”
“I know, I know. I’ll make sure to take them with me tomorrow.”
“You said the same thing yesterday and it’s still here.”
“I just…,” he pouts, “I just don’t want to leave you.” I sigh and give him a kiss.
We go to sleep, Chan’s arms around me as usual.
“I love you baby bear,” he whispers as he falls asleep.
As I wake up I notice that he’s not there. I look around the room but he isn’t there. Suddenly the fear of him suddenly disappearing again takes over me. /It can’t be./ I quickly get out of bed and search around the house.
Nothing.
His stuff, the presents. Everything is gone.
This can’t be happening. He couldn’t have just.. I try to call him.
Nothing.
It’s not possible.
I’m starting to lose my mind. I try to call him again. And again. And again. No answer. I want to go to his place but I suddenly realise that I don’t know his address. He never told me his address, nor did I write it down. He always took me there…
I try to search for him everywhere I can. Everywhere I remember. I try to take the bus we took but I just can’t seem to find his place. /Why did I never think of asking for his address?/ To think that something so simple, so stupid could keep us apart. You promised… He promised he’d never leave me…
I cry. A lot. Tears just come out naturally. What if he never existed? Maybe it was just a beautiful dream, with a boyfriend that was too perfect to be real. I’ll never be able to see him again. I’ll never be able to kiss him again, hug him, touch him, laugh with him…
* * *
Chuseok passes somehow. I try not to show my family how devastated I am. It’s been only two weeks since he disappeared. ‘Only’… It feels like a year. I’ll probably never be able to see him again. I try not to think of him. It kind of works, but this empty space inside my chest remains. A space that was once overflowing with love and happiness, is now replaced with sorrow.
I try to go to that coffee shop again. Even though I know it will just remind me of him again, I go anyway. I don’t know why, but somehow I feel like going.
I take out my grocery list out of the pocket of my coat. Why did I take it out? Maybe to distract me. I’m nearly at the coffee shop. I put back my list and see the shop in front of me. Someone with a light brown coat is just leaving with a coffee in his hand.
My mind blanks.
My eyes wide, tearing up.
Is it…?
There’s no doubt. I’d recognise him from miles away. But I still can’t believe it. Those two weeks felt like an eternity. My feet move on their own and start to follow him. Tears starting to stream down my face. So many thoughts go through my mind. So many emotions. I can’t seem to process all of this. What if I really am just following a stranger? But the way he walks is exactly the same. His posture is identical. The only thing that makes me doubt, is his beanie that is different. He goes on a bus, I follow him. I follow him until we’re in front of his building. The building of Chan’s apartment. Relief. I sigh. So it really is him.
He enters the building. Once he closes the door, I go to the building and take out the spare key from the flowerpot. I go inside and can hear him walking on the stairs. I take the elevator, suddenly starting to feel alive again. Happiness slowly coming back. I wipe away the tears and decide that I’ll finally get my revenge on him. I’ll do exactly the same as he did.
I arrive at the floor of his apartment. I can see Chan coming up. As he gets to the last step of stairs, he starts to get dizzy. He stops and holds his head with his hand. As he is about to fall I hold him by his other hand and help him up the last step.
“Thank you Y/n,” he smiles. Suddenly his expression changes to a confused one.
“No problem sweetie.”
“Who are you?” He pulls his arm out of my grip.
“What do you mean ‘who are you’? You just said my name.” I try to hide my slight smirk. What a sweet revenge.
“Yes, but…” He looks down, holds his head. “Y/n…”
“Are you okay? Maybe you should get some sleep.” I softly grab his hand and lead him to his bed. His face still covered in complete confusion. He’s probably having the same thoughts like I had back then. Not knowing from where this so called girlfriend came. Feeling comfortable around me even though I’m a ‘stranger’. I tuck him in, his back turned to me. I start to get in bed too when he quickly turns around.
“What are you doing?”
“What has gotten into you tonight? Do you not want me to sleep with you?”
“I- I don’t know.” He seems to be handling better than I did. He looks down perplexed and I get into the bed.
“Just try and get some sleep,” I smile at him. I turn off the light on the nightstand. After a small while I shuffle closer to him and put my arms around him. I hug him, as tightly as I can. To make sure he never disappears again.
“I missed you so much,” I softly whisper. I missed his warmth, his voice, his touch, I missed… him. My heart both aches and heals. I thought I lost you forever. But I didn’t. I haven’t slept so untroubled for a long time. Or at least it felt like a very long time.
I wake up and just stare at him for almost an hour. I’ve never felt so happy seeing him. Even though I already loved him a lot, my love for him grows even more. He wakes up and looks at me. He gets a little flustered, his eyes wide. I give him a kiss on the forehead, a very soft blush appearing on his cheeks.
“Y/n,, do you… like me?”
“What? Why would you ask that? Of course I do! I lOVE you.” I squish his cheeks.
Chan acts kind of perplexed the whole day, as if he’s experiencing this all for the first time.
“Let’s watch a movie tonight at my place!” He just nods.
I prepare diner once we arrive at my place.
“Could you hand me a cup?”
“Sure,” he opens the cupboard and takes out a cup. But then stops in his tracks and stares at the cup. “How did I- How did I know which cupboard it was in?”
“Like I said, we’ve been dating for a long time, you know my place by heart.” He hands me the cup.
Wrapped up in a blanket, memories of the first evening I spent with Chan come back. Or at least it seemed like the first one to me. Maybe before that, I disappeared from Chan’s life. I didn’t even know I did. What if we’ve been in this loop for a long time? Disappearing from each other’s lives all the time, searching for each other again and again. What if we’ve once met and then one of us disappeared. But then somehow we found each other again after about a year. Then we started going on dates. Then someone disappeared again for a few months. What if our whole story was in bits and pieces. Constantly disappearing but finding each other again in the end. What if we’ve been dating for-
I suddenly remember something Chan told me.
》”We’ve been dating for almost two years now.”《 He even told me our first day of dating each other. Maybe he said it to make sure that I would know and that I could tell it to the Chan that sits right next to me now. To make sure it wouldn’t be forgotten.
I don’t know for sure if it really is like this or not. But I hope it doesn’t happen again. And even if it does, even if I would disappear. I’m sure Chan would find me again. In the end we would always be able to find each other again. No matter how long. This is like the perfect ‘meant to be’. This is why he was so certain because of his promise.
Because in the end, we would never leave each other’s side.
__________
The End~